Forget that people loved you and lauded you before. Forget the fact that you’ve spent tens of thousands of hard-earned and worked-for dollars just to bring this child home. That you’ve dropped everything for their redemption. It’s most definitely not a rainbows and unicorns post. There is not a week that goes by that I do not receive multiple emails, phone calls, Facebook messages, or texts either from someone currently in the trenches or someone who knows someone who is. That you know what it’s like to step out of your comfortable American Christianity and choose one of the unwanted ones. And you’re so damn tired of having to put your other kids on the sidelines while every ounce of your energy and every second of your time are devoted to the one who demands all. You’ve supposedly ruined their life before you were ever in it. You’re looked at with suspicion under a microscope. The world outside of your inner circle has painted you as a failure who just didn’t know what you were getting into. They have the hero complex without really getting their hands dirty. However, I want to stress that—no matter how hard adoption can be or sometimes is, . The older, “broken” kids whom no one else said YES to. You feel like a neglectful parent because you see your other kids withering away, living in their own fear, sadness, trauma. Your mom group just gives you a collective puppy dog sad face and tells you they’ll be praying. Teachers at your kid’s school tell you how sweet he is. All the world feels pity for your “innocent” child. I have lived it and survived it and am here to tell you now, that those are all LIES. You said YES when the rest of the world (and even the Church) said NO. They can pat themselves on the back and feel like a savior when it’s on back that the real burden lies. They haven’t stood in courtrooms while they listened to false accusations. I think the hardest part is that until you have lived with that bullseye on your back people just can’t grasp the life you live. Some people will impugn your motives, others will smear your reputation—just because you believe in me. And know that if you choose to engage in activities and behavior that the parents feel is detrimental to their child’s longterm healing, you are forsaking a friendship for your own feelings. This is for you, adoptive parents of trauma kids, because you are most definitely NOT alone. You are depressed because darkness and strife have taken over your previously semi-docile home. having to gather up your littles and leave the house in a moment’s notice—But the eggshells are a guarantee. You try to explain to your relatives what it’s really like to live with this child, but they don’t get it. Forget the fact that your other kids are perfectly decent, kind individuals (most of the time). And while I could spend forever trying to explain to those NOT in the trenches what it’s like down in the trenches, I’m not going to waste my time. Others will swoop in to be your kid’s knights-in-shining-armor just when you’ve almost made it.
You just have to be looking for love, a search that causes you to be more vulnerable than usual.She wants me to send money to buy one via her money transfer account. Preface: This is not a how-to-parent-older-adopted-kids blog post. Because the truth is, as you all know, that unless you have lived it, you will probably never get it. Oh, how we parents of trauma kids wish that weren’t so. ) You chose this road in the first place because you have good in you. Everyone on the outside will want to be your kid’s hero, to rescue the poor, troubled orphan that you supposedly “just couldn’t get through to.” And it will truly suck to accept it. Your best intentions might be the worst of devastations. And the thousands of others committed from the beginning thank you as well. And whatever you do, I beg you, PLEASE please PLEASE do not sabotage their efforts to bring healing and redemption to their child.